An Exclusive Look Inside the Lampoon’s Secret Comedy Compound
What Really Powers the Poon Empire?
The vast, 144-square mile Lampoon Compound is located in central Kentucky, home to one of the world’s last untapped sources of comedy.
The northwest quadrant of the Lampoon Compound features nearly 50 industrial Comedy Mines, where raw comic material is extracted from the Earth and loaded into trains and trucks for refinement.
Here we see the Lampoon’s own train system’s rail cars transporting raw comedic gold within the Compound. The Lampoon National Sante Fe (LNSF) system is the second largest rail carrier in the world after Union Pacific.
We are prohibited from showing the inside of the Poon factory where raw comic material is refined into usable material for comedians: punch-lines, top 10 lists, movie scripts and entire standup routines.
Via an exclusive contract with the Department of Defense, refined comedy material is transported securely in Humvee vehicles under armed escort. These valuable assets are then delivered to Poonville for final distribution.
The highlight of the southeastern quadrant of the compound features is Poonville, an urban center with over 16 comedy clubs, two of which are pictured above. Up-and-coming comedians begin with open-mic nights in the smaller venues and, if they improve, graduate to the upper tier.
What is the top tier? The Poon Lake Casino and Resort, above, represents the pinnacle of achievement for many professional comedians. Joe’s brother, Irving Rogan, made his name at Poon Lake and later went on to headline in Akron, Rochester and Slutsburg.
One of the several controversial aspects of the private Lampoon Compound is how it handles prospective comedians who can’t make people laugh.
As part of the agreement to join the Compound, candidates who fail to advance are euthanized, their brains extracted and bodies buried – with full comic honors – in Gates of Poon, a beautiful cemetery on 12 acres of land.
Research scientists examine each failed comedian’s brain to further our understanding of un-funny people.
Pictured above is the Poon Research Institute Center of Kentucky (PRICK), where the world’s largest collection of failed comedians’ brains are housed, studied and cataloged.
About the Lampoon
Founded in 1933 during the height of the Great Depression, the Lampoon is the oldest and most successful satirical journal in world history.
The Lampoon has offices in 50 countries and its annual revenue exceeds $63.8 billion (2021).
The Lampoon’s Headquarters
The Lampoon’s U.S. headquarters are located at 1 West Park Avenue in New York City. The 83-floor structure was designed by famed Chinese architect Wu Tang.
The massive structure consumes an entire city block and offers more than 2.5 million square feet of commercial, residential and industrial workspaces.
The building and its amenities are easily accessible via New York City’s Magenta Line. This subway route services Manhattan and Long Island through a series of recently discovered - and perfectly safe — tunnels under the East River.
The Lampoon’s Corporate Structure
The Lampoon’s business consists of seven major divisions that contributed to its 2021 revenue of $102.3 billion (USD):
Logging ($3.8 Billion)
Mining ($12.2 Billion)
Telecommunications ($18.3 Billion)
Transportation ($24.3 Billion)
Award-winning casual dining franchise Adolf’s Oven Farm-To-Table Restaurant Chain Adolf’s Oven ($2.7 Billion)
Satire & Humour ($0.00001 Billion)
The Lampoon’s Corporate Mission and Objective
The Lampoon’s mission is to dominate and ultimately monopolize the global humor industry. Our diversified investments portfolio allows us to continually fund our ambitions in the Satire & Humour Division.
In a recent interview, Lampoon CEO Myron Amplewood noted that customer retention for the Satire business “regularly exceeds 1.5%.”
The Lampoon is traded on the New York Stock Exchange (symbol: $POON).
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