Flying Cars My Ass

By Smithers P. Codger, III

Smithers P. Codger is a journalist emeritus, currently residing at the Darius Schmock Center for Incontinent Seniors

I’m an old guy.

Didn’t you think we’d have flying cars by now? WTF?

Flying cars. Jetpacks.

We got none of the shit we were promised by those bastards at Popular Mechanics.

No flying cars and no jetpacks.

F***, we still have the same shoes we had 500 years ago.

Shoes with little holes in them.

And shoe-strings you lace through the holes - and tie into a bow, the same as grandpa did.

But the shoestring comes apart. It gets chewed by your puppy. Maybe Boric acid spills on it while you’re making meth.

This is today? This is the future? 

The same basic shoe technology that they used in the year 1600?

*English accent voice-over:* We need some sheepskin and twine, Cedrick!

Where did we go wrong?

Why don’t we have a shoe - hear me out - a shoe that you just stick your foot into and *whirs* it automatically closes itself up and adjusts perfectly to your feet?

I’m no conspiracy kook - but someone is suppressing advances in shoes.

Think about “the Pump”. What happened to the pump, those shoes you could pump up with air? It would form itself to your feet. At least that was an advance!

Is “Big Shoe”, the big shoe company cartel, holding back shoe tech?

Big Shoe, just like Big Oil, holding back our shoe technology?

Big Oil rumors, remember those? Those conspiracy theories your uncle would tell you?

We could be getting four-hunnert miles a gallon but Big Oil — the oil companies —- bought up all the patents and shelved the technology.

Back to “The Pump”.

Big Shoe just shot that down didn’t they? 

Why?

Because shoelaces are recession-proof. Everyone needs shoe-laces. 

The more the losers walk, the more shoestrings the losers break. Every week, more shoestring dollaz rollin’ in. From the losers.

Big Shoe. It’s a cartel.

And they must be stopped.

Are you with me?