Important Changes to Our "Bring Pets To Work" Policy
From The Lampoon Corporate Headquarters Human Resources Department
New Guinea Pig Policy
The Lampoon has decided to adopt the same Guinea Pig policy that many other liberal media companies have developed:
Guinea Pigs must be immersed in a mixture of water, pet shampoo and Lubriderm for at least 10 minutes before entering the facility. This cuts down on the dander, gives them a shiny coat, kills fleas, and sometimes the animal itself. They must be on leashes and are not allowed in the weight-room, cafeteria, or lobby.
Recently deceased Guinea Pigs can be brought in only after laundering them in a washing machine, including the full wash, rinse and spin cycles. The remains may be brought in on a leash only. Skid marks must be cleaned up by the owner.
Decomposing Guinea Pigs may only be brought in when wrapped in wax paper, sealed in a ZipLock bag, and frozen overnight. The animal must remain in the freezer except when the owner takes it out for a walk or lunch.
Stuffed Guinea Pigs may be placed on the owner’s desk as long as the animal has been properly dried, treated and stuffed. These make good paperweights, pencil holders, or Nerf-style footballs.
On the second Friday of July, the Lampoon Headquarters will host the annual “Guinea Pig Fandango”. Prizes for biggest, fattest, and ugliest will be awarded along with the Guinea Pig Distance Toss Contest.
Thank you for your attention to these important policy changes.
New Grizzly Bear Policy
Due to our second fatal mauling this year, we’re sorry to say that our Grizzly Bear Policy has been changed. The Lampoon will now welcome our 400 to 700 pound friends only on Wednesdays during Lent. This will coincide with the Lampoon’s “Wear Your Favorite Raw Meat To Work” Days, but we don’t foresee any problems.
Thank you for you cooperation and please don’t hesitate to contact your friends in HR about any policy questions.
Gerry Mahoney, Vice President of Human Resources, The Lampoon
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About the Lampoon
Founded in 1933 during the height of the Great Depression, the Lampoon is the oldest and most successful satirical journal in world history.
The Lampoon has offices in 50 countries and its annual revenue exceeds $63.8 billion (2021).
The Lampoon’s Headquarters
The Lampoon’s U.S. headquarters are located at 1 West Park Avenue in New York City. The 83-floor structure was designed by famed Chinese architect Wing Wang Woo Woo.
The immense structure consumes an entire city block and offers more than 2.5 million square feet of commercial, residential and industrial workspaces.
The building and its amenities are easily accessible via New York City’s Magenta Line. This subway route services Manhattan and Long Island through a series of recently discovered - and perfectly safe — tunnels under the East River.
The Lampoon’s Corporate Structure
The Lampoon’s business consists of seven major divisions that contributed to its 2021 revenue of $102.3 billion (USD):
Logging ($3.8 Billion)
Mining ($12.2 Billion)
Telecommunications ($18.3 Billion)
Transportation ($24.3 Billion)
Wing Depot (Chicken Wing restaurant) franchises ($2.7 Billion)
Satire & Humour ($0.00001 Billion)
The Lampoon’s Corporate Mission and Objective
The Lampoon’s mission is to dominate and ultimately monopolize the global humor industry. Our diversified investments portfolio allows us to continually fund our ambitions in the Satire & Humour Division.
In a recent interview, Lampoon CEO Wendy Wang Woo Woo observed that customer retention for the Satire business “regularly exceeds 7% and retention has been trending upward, generally, if you look at the last 17.4 months.”
The Lampoon is traded on the New York Stock Exchange (symbol: $POON).