Letters to the Editor

Unrestricted airways of reality.

I got 99 problems and a Mitch ain’t one.

— Sen. Charles Schumer, Washington, DC

To the Editors: in September of 1963, just weeks before the assassination of John F. Kennedy, I saw something highly suspicious. I remember it in vivid detail. It haunts me to this day. I took a tour of the Texas School Book Depository. On the sixth floor, I noticed an instruction manual entitled “How To Kill A President In A Motorcade”. At the time, I thought nothing of it. Should I report this now?

— H. Nimroy, Dallas, TX

I commend your recent article “Children Are the Bane of Humanity’s Existence”.

— Damian, East Bridgeport, CT

Plumbing school taught me three major lessons.

— Ezra Growth, San Antonio, TX

Breaking: We’ve introduced a new line of utility belts that really show off the exquisite contours of our tan butt cheeks.

— One of the Kardashians, P.O. Box Niner

💰 Hey guys: I’m earning $15,000 a day using The Lampoon’s New Stock Investing App! The Lampoon’s Stock Investing app lets you dial up how much money you want to make every day. Just select a number between $1,000 and $25,000, then enter your bank account information and – *voila* – watch the cash start to roll in!

— Li Gjo, Xinhua, China

Sirs: Zoom calls and Teams Meetings have replaced many of my former in-person activities. I’m unsure how to sexually harrass others in today’s workplace? Please advise.

— Ulele Huungulele, Member in Good Standing of the Mongol Hordes

Dear Editors: What does it mean to ‘get your freak on’?

— Sincerely, Your 6-year old watching TikTok on your phone

Sirs, not one scientist or professor has been able to answer the following question: is the metaverse metaphysical or metaschocastic?

— Yorg, Bonded Sheep Herder

Confession: I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. And I regret it not.

— Johnny, Nevada State Penitentiary in Ozone, NV

Can someone please tell me what duckpin bowling is?

— The New Guy in #801, Downtown

Sirs: if all humans were somehow wiped off the face of the Earth, what kind of government would our new viral overlords install?

— Covid-19, Wuhan (The Wuhan Wet-Market, Inc. and Definitely Not a Lab Nearby)

It’s 2022 and we still have shoestrings? WTF? Someone needs to write about this failure of American innovation to improve the shoe. And don’t get me started about tires.

— Regards, Smithers P. Codger III

Please direct any further letters to the editor to your Mother.

— The Editors