WHAT IS CATFISHING? A Warning For Men

By Norman P. Roidman, CPA

Chicks dig me. Not in person. Just online.

Chicks dig me online. You know how I know? I get endless DMs on Instagram and Twitter. 

A lot, I mean dozens and dozens, of hot Chicks want to meet me! Asian girls, black girls, blondes, brunettes, redheads, trans girls, trisexuals, pan-fried-sexuals…

They are all smoking hot.

After a while, I learned – wait for it – they are all (I repeat all) freaking scammers.

I lost about $12,000 to learn that these “babes” are charlatans. Hooligans. Nefarious SOBs. These girls are as fake as Patton Oswalt’s new ass.

They’re catfishers.

It’s an industry. Catfishing.

My broker Gronko Babbanacko says catfishing is about a $5 billion a year business at this point and growing 15% a year.

I told him we need a catfishing mutual fund to invest in.

You guys know what Catfishing is, right? It’s women, yet again, showing how stupid men are.

Here it is:

You’re a dude with a Dad bod, glasses and a Members Only jacket in your profile photo. Somehow…

You get a DM on Instagram or whatever.

It’s a really hot brunette with world class boobs and a pout.

Her handle is rachel038304383…3… 6… 0… 3

And the message from this beautiful girl is captivating.

 “good evening”

She says it in a sultry voice, I think.

Reality is that in a call center somewhere, Rachel3603 is a retired plumber named Ivan Betchanovik.

Now, after spending $12,000, I really want to say:

Let’s cut to the chase, Ivan. Let me guess: you need money?

Can I just go ahead and give you my checking account number now?

How do they find these employees? These catfishing companies?

What must the job description be for these catfishers? Probably have the openings on ZipRecruiter.

Must enjoy impersonating hot women online, skilled in social engineering. Drinking on the job permitted.

I wonder if they’re commission based? What’s the comp structure for a cat-fisher? Base plus commission with health and 401(k)?

Wouldn’t surprise me if the Catfishers have an awards ceremony at the end of the year. Like the Emmies but called The Fishies.

The Fishies are the year’s biggest Catfish awards:

• Third place: George Boyd, for his impersonation of “Irene”, a MILF with great boobs, who pulled in $84K!

• In Second: Mike Boner, for his impersonation of “Arlene”, a brunette ballerina… netted $105K!

• And our Winner - Dusty Booyah, for his impersonation of “Donna”, a Pam Anderson lookalike, netted $112,000!

I hereby reserve all rights to the trademark name “The Fishies”, because I see where society is going.