The 10 Worst Car Names Of All-Time
By Enzo Nardello, M.B.A., O.G., B.A.F.
Looking for car names that offend? You’ve come to, well, here. To simplify things, we’ve omitted non-U.S. vehicles like the Mercedes Jew-Chaser and the Chrysler Colonizer.
10. Dodge Swinger
The Dodge Dart family's crème de la crème -- if you get my drift -- was the ill-named "Swinger", when such a term was synonymous with wife-swapping. Yankee pitchers Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich became symbolic of the swinging generation and, by any measure, their mediocre baseball careers were rollicking successes compared to the Swinger automobile. Sadly, this wasn't even the worst-named Dodge vehicle of the era: marketers had originally intended to unveil their own version of Plymouth's abysmal Duster as "The Beaver" until someone familiar with teen slang slapped them upside their heads.
9. Ford Probe
Undergoing an anal probe may, in fact, be preferable to driving this undersized, underpowered, and underwhelming Ford whiff at designing a sporty coupe. The original Probe was rooted in the idea of a front-wheel drive replacement for the Mustang, which worked out as well as anyone with more than six firing neurons could have predicted.
8. Chevy Citation
The citation you'd get for driving this car certainly wasn't for driving fast, given its legendarily feeble performance. No, the ticket you'd get from the cops is for really, realy bad taste in cars.
7. Studebaker Dictator
Mr. Peabody, dial the Wayback Machine to 1927, when the Studebaker Automobile Company's Marketing Department had a brainstorm! "Let's name our lowest-priced model 'The Dictator' because the Studebaker Hitler could be a trademark infringement!'"
6. Chevy Eurosport
Quick: what feature of the Eurosport reminds you of either "Europe" or "Sport"? The closest this rustbucket came to Europe is its shared reliability record with Yugos. Come to think of it, perhaps the YugoSport would have been a better name for this collosal failure. To my knowledge, the only people who ever drove Eurosports were those forced to do so at the airport rental car counter when it was, invariably, the last draft pick.
5. Audi 5000
There may be some truth to the rumor that the model name refers to the number of trouble-free miles you could wring out of this gem.
4. Oldsmobile Intrigue
The only "intrigue" related to this substandard attempt at transportation was whether it would start in the morning.
3. Pontiac Parisienne
The reference to Paris must refer to Paris, Kentucky, because this hulking failure was as far from a sophisticated French Parisian as the Sun is from Pluto.
2. GM Impact
Long before its Chevrolet Volt, GM envisioned a prototype electric vehicle called the Impact. Naming a vehicle after a collision? That's a bold strategy, Cotton.
1. Ford Aspire
With its blistering 16-second 0-to-60 performance, the only thing its driver aspired for was a real car.
Did Enzo miss any? Add your suggestions to our master list in the comments.
Chevy Nova has to be #1. Naming your car “no go” in the language of the country you want to sell it in was a classic blunder.
Hey. I owned a Citation. The front door locks would freeze open so you had to undo the seat belts, relocked them around the interior door handles, drive REALLY, REALLY slow and pray.