Consumer Probe: The Return of Mainway Toys
They're back!
Decades ago a controversial entrepreneur named Irwin Mainway made a fortune selling toys that killed and injured dozens of children aged 3 to 11. Six other unfortunate tots suffered concussive contusions to the cranium that rendered them retarded. That era spawned a dozen class-action lawsuits that shuttered Mainway Toys. But it also led to the legions of personal injury lawyers we see today on I-65 and also sprinting down hospital corridors.
Enter Melissa Mainway, the beautiful and enigmatic granddaughter of the toy scion. Earlier this week, she founded a new company called Mainway Toys, which features a host of toys that are Dangerous But Safe™. These playthings, while deadly, include ironclad safety features.
The Lampoon’s Consumer Probe Division has reviewed several of these toys and have today published a few results.
Junior Chainsaw Juggler: includes three 12” chainsaws and an instructional pamphlet. Safety equipment includes bright orange helmets that cover the entire head, but also make it hard to see. Safety Rating: Orange.
Baby's First Flamethrower: Featuring easy-to-use controls and a cute design, it's the perfect way to introduce your toddlers to the dangers of fire. Safety equipment includes an asbestos vest and asbestos-lined face mask. Safety Rating: Magenta.
Electricity Education Kites: Teaches the importance of hiring an electrician for your garage rewiring project. Safety equipment includes Chuck Taylor sneakers. Safety Rating: Paisley.
The Trampoline Pogo Stick: Talk about unpredictable fun! This pogo stick is designed specifically for use on trampolines. It’s a great way for kids to experience zero gravity. Safety equipment includes a helmet and optional kneepads. Safety Rating: Gangrene.
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While we have not reviewed all toys manufactured by the company, we believe that, despite the controversy, Mainway Toys are largely safe — and they deserve a place in your home.
Dear Fred,
Thanks for the opportunity to ghost-author this article. Please remember to delete this part.
You should have gotten the email with the $5,000 Amazon gift certificate plus a $500 gift card from Mainway Toys (bonus!).
Regards, M
Melissa Mainway
President & CEO, Mainway Toys
702 W. 144th St.
Riverdale, IL 60827
Note: Some content generated by LampoonGPT, the Lampoon’s private AI model. Click here for a tour of the Lampoon’s Secret Comedy Compound.