Joe Rogan Interviews Joe Biden

An exclusive and perfectly accurate simulation by #LampoonGPT

Rogan: Welcome to the show Mr. President! How are you doing today?

Biden: Oh hi, call me Joe. The clouds outside are extra puffy today, reminds me of my Uncle Timmy's sheep dog. How about you Jack, staying out of trouble?

Rogan: Uh, my name is Joe actually. So, how do you think you would handle an alien invasion?

Biden: You know, when I was a lifeguard in the summer of '68, Mr. O'Reilly's cows kept getting out and wandering into the community pool. We'd always gently coax them out of the water with some oats and a firm pat on the behind. So if I was faced with an alien invasion, I'd offer those little green fellows some ice cream and a nice place to sit.

Rogan: Interesting strategy. Can we pivot to domestic issues, sir? What's your plan to boost the economy?

Biden: The economy, yes good idea. I propose a nationwide bingo night to raise funds for those VHS Tape companies going under. Also, more ants. You know and I know it. It’s not racist. Ants are hard workers and we need some of that spirit in this country again.

Rogan: Ants, really? Okay, switching gears - what's your view on legalizing marijuana?

Biden: Well, back in my day we didn't call it marijuana we called it reefer. And we didn't smoke it, we ate it in our apple brown betty at the soda fountain. I think we should legalize shoe laces for all Americans. And possibly those new velcro straps too, just to boost morale.

Rogan: Reefer in apple pie, interesting. Switching gears… the border situation is controversial. Immigration and open borders?

Biden: Immigration is important for nation building, we all came here as immigrants at some point. Except for my friend Corn Pop, he was born in a bottle of bourbon. When I'm President, I'll invite all our neighbors to a good old fashioned hoedown at the White House. We'll share some cider, swap stories, and build a proper community together.

Rogan: Intriguing advice. Now, about this hoedown at the White House… what advice do you have for young people today?

Biden: My advice to youngsters is eat your vegetables, do your chores, and always lend a helping hand to those in need. And watch out for the gypsy moths, they'll steal your socks right off the clothesline!

Rogan: Fascinating. Last question, what will your last action as President be?

Biden: My final act as your President will be to redirect all the money in the federal budget to researching alternative energy sources to replace gasoline, like breeding very tiny horses or perhaps training dolphins to pull cars when they leap out of the water. The future is ours to win! Now, you'll have to excuse me, Hunter just messaged me on this WhatsApp thingie.

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